|
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. - Mark Twain
The Other White Meat |
Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities
WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the theological giant's stranglehold on the religion
industry "blatantly anti-competitive," a U.S. district judge ruled
Monday that God is in violation of anti-monopoly laws and ordered Him to be
broken up into several less powerful deities.
"The evidence introduced in this trial has convinced me that the deity
known as God has willfully and actively thwarted competition from other deities
and demigods, promoting His worship with such unfair scare tactics as
threatening non-believers with eternal damnation," wrote District Judge
Charles Elliot Schofield in his decision. "In the process, He has carved
out for Himself an illegal monotheopoly."
The suit, brought against God by the Justice Department on behalf of a coalition
of "lesser deities" and polytheistic mortals, alleged that He violated
antitrust laws by claiming in the Holy Bible that He was the sole creator of the
universe, and by strictly prohibiting the worship of what He termed "false
idols."
"God clearly commands that there shall be no other gods before Him, and He
frequently employs the phrase 'I AM the Lord' to intimidate potential
deserters,"
Prosecuting attorney Geoffrey Albert said. "God uses other questionable
strong-arm tactics to secure and maintain humanity's devotion, demanding, among
other things, that people sanctify their firstborn to Him and obtain
circumcisions as a show of faith. There have also been documented examples of
Him smiting those caught worshipping graven images."
Attorneys for God did not deny such charges. They did, however, note that God
offers followers "unbeatable incentives" in return for their loyalty,
including eternal salvation, protection from harm, and "fruitfulness."
"God was the first to approach the Jewish people with a 'covenant' contract
that guaranteed they would be the most favored in His eyes, and He handed down
standards of morality, cleanliness, and personal conduct that exceeded anything
else practiced at the time," lead defense attorney Patrick Childers said.
"He readily admits to being a 'jealous' God, not because He is threatened
by the prospect of competition from other gods, but because He is utterly
convinced of the righteousness of His cause and that He is the best choice for
mortals. Many of these so-called gods could care less if somebody bears false
witness or covets thy neighbor's wife. Our client, on the other hand, is truly a
'People's God.'"
In the end, however, God was unable to convince Schofield that He did not
deliberately create a marketplace hostile to rival deities. God's attorneys
attempted to convince the judge of His openness to rivals, pointing to His
longtime participation in the "Holy Trinity," but the effort failed
when Schofield determined that Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost are "more
God subsidiaries than competitors."
To comply with federal antitrust statutes, God will be required to divide
Himself into a pantheon of specialized gods, each representing a force of nature
or a specific human custom, occupation, or state of mind.
"There will most likely be a sun god, a moon god, sea god, and rain
god," said religion-industry watcher Catherine Bailey. "Then there
will be some second-tier deities, like a god of wine, a goddess of the harvest,
and perhaps a few who symbolize human love and/or blacksmithing."
Leading theologians are applauding the God breakup, saying that it will usher in
a new era of greater worshipping options, increased efficiency, and more
personalized service.
"God's prayer-response system has been plagued by massive, chronic
backlogs, and many prayers have gone unanswered in the process," said Gene
Suozzi, a Phoenix-area Wiccan. "With polytheism, you pray to the deity
specifically devoted to your concern. If you wish to have children, you pray to
the fertility goddess. If you want to do well on an exam, you pray to the god of
wisdom, and so on. This decentralization will result in more individualized
service and swifter response times."
Other religious experts are not so confident that the breakup is for the best,
pointing to the chaotic nature of polytheistic worship and noting that multiple
gods demand an elaborate regimen of devotion that today's average worshipper may
find arduous and inconvenient.
"If people want a world in which they must lay burnt offerings before an
earthenware household god to ensure that their car will start on a cold winter
morning, I suppose they can have it," said Father Thomas Reinholdt,
theology professor at Chicago's Loyola University. "What's more, lesser
deities are infamous for their mercurial nature. They often meddle directly in
diplomatic affairs, abduct comely young mortal women for their concubines, and
are not above demanding an infant or two for sacrifice. Monotheism, for all its
faults, at least means convenience, stability, and a consistent moral
code."
One deity who is welcoming the verdict is the ancient Greek god Zeus, who
described himself as "jubilant" and "absolutely vindicated."
"For thousands of years, I've been screaming that this third-rate sky deity
ripped me off wholesale," said Zeus, speaking from his Mt. Olympus
residence. "Every good idea He ever had He took from me: Who first created
men in his own image? Who punished mankind for its sins? Who lived eternally up
in the clouds? And the whole fearsome, patriarchal, white-beard, thunderbolt
thing? I was doing that eons before this two-bit hustler started horning in on
the action."
Lawyers for God say they plan to appeal Schofield's ruling and are prepared to
go all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.
"This decision is a crushing blow to God worshippers everywhere, and we
refuse to submit to a breakup until every possible avenue of argument is
pursued," Childers said. "I have every confidence that God will
ultimately win, as He and His lawyers are all-powerful."
This "article" originally appeared in The Onion, http://www.theonion.com